as of late
fresh out of the kiln, taken in 2021 on 35mm film
With rapid, micro-changing moods, visits with family, keeping up with the current state of the world, and tending to work tasks, my mind has been everywhere but here, and whenever I’m way out there (far far away from my creative self), I find it difficult to find my way back—to land anywhere close to where I was before.
This time, however, instead of trying to retrace my steps, I’ve decided to grab hold of whatever is right in front of me—whatever is intriguing or beautiful or interesting, experimenting as I go (and hoping that eventually, I’ll get back to what is most important).
Here’s what I’m working with right now…
Saying I love you through videography
Not taking myself seriously through pottery
Landing somewhere in between through sharing reframes
Taking care of myself through caring for my physical home
I’ve also found that during such times (however you’d like to define ‘such times’ for yourself), it’s very easy to overthink. To suddenly decide that something is no longer important, too difficult or intimidating to continue doing.
And if you’re anything like me, you’ll panic, drop everything you’ve been working on, and run as fast as you can in the other direction.
Because I believe that doing so will help to negate the tendency I have to overthink and abandon, I am feeling especially determined to ‘experiment as I go...’
Due to the nature of my findings-out-about-self, I suspect that this is a dance I’ll be doing for a long, long while, I’d like to find a gentle and more lasting route back (back to writing, pursuing a career in who the heck even knows, but something that feels like me, and whatever else I happen to be focusing on). Something that can withstand micro-adjustments, frequent abandonments, and states of panic.
I write here (‘here’ being in this library) because here feels different to out there (even if ‘out there’ is just an illusion I’ve created for myself just so I can continue to write and create without being totally overstimulated by it all).
A quick note…
Shame is something I used to more readily associate (and feel intensely) with these acts of abandonment, but since I now know that I was doing the best I could with what I had available to me at the time, I have worked very hard to redirect those feelings of shame into something else, something softer, kinder.
And while I have made progress in this area, I still have a long way to go (and am, thank goodness, no longer aiming for perfection—as for what exactly, I’m not sure yet).
Bye for now,
Chloe
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